Shit we say to our dogs

Dog owners will know what I’m talking about. As much fluffy, hairy goodness that our dogs add to our lives, they also add a lot of other shit (sometime literally). We have two fur babies, a giant teddy bear named Butch and a medium-sized ferocious little lady named Mocha Bean. If you were around our house for any given length of time, you’d probably hear a lot of this:

“What are you doing?!”

“You are literally blocking my entire view to the TV.”

“Why do you think it’s okay to step on me?”



“Sit on your bottom right now!”

“Good buuueeeeyyyy!” (In a high-pitched, super excited voice.)

“Good guuuurrrrllll!” (In the same high-pitched voice.)

“What the hell are you eating?”

“Wife, I need your help. I’ll hold his mouth open and you reach inside.”

“What the hell did you roll in?!”

“Stop humping your brother.”

“Get down from there.”

“Stop humping your brother!”

“That is not for dogs!”


“What are you barking at this time? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

“Your breath is melting my face. And fogging my glasses.”

“Butch is hot again.”

“Come here.”

“Smell this. Is it wet from Butch licking it, or is it pee?”

“Come here now!”

“Butch, stop licking the couch.”

“Butch, stop licking me.”

“Butch, stop licking!”

“Husband, it’s your turn to pick up the poop in the basement.”

“Stop chewing on your brother.”

“Quiet. People can walk down the street without hearing from you.”

“Mocha, leave the cat alone!”

“Look at what your son/daughter did.”

“Don’t swallow that bone.”

“The water bowl is empty.”

“Don’t destroy that toy. It’s brand new!”

“Why is he/she staring at me?”

“The cat is NOT a toy!”

“Why must you lay right in the middle of everything?”

“Move or I’ll step on you.”

“I’m sorry, was I in your way?”

“I hope you’re comfortable.”

“They are taking up the ENTIRE bed.”

“I need to walk on my feet. Not you.”

“Did he poop today? What did it look like?”

“So stinkin’ cuuuuute!”

“Mocha needs to go out.”

“Mocha wants to come in.”

“Butch needs to go out.”

“Butch wants to come in.”

“Your turn to let them out/let them in/feed them/fill the water bowl/clean up the poop/pee/drool.”

“Don’t touch me. I don’t want to get hair on me.”

“How do you have ANY hair left?!”

Here’s a picture of our furry, slobbery, lovable heathens:



One thought on “Shit we say to our dogs

  1. Haha loved it! So true for most pet parents I think, I know I talk to my cat a ridiculous amount and always imagine what he’s thinking.

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