Oh, Genetics

Since finding out that we are going to have a baby together, my husband and I have spent a fair amount of time talking about what our baby will be like.

Will she be like me? Like him? Quiet? Loud? Curious? Patient? Girly? Tom-boyish? A mix of everything?

And what the heck will she look like? We talk about this a lot. Last weekend, we were talking about genetics and the role they play, and we had a conversation that went something like this:

It started when Andy was crazily scratching his knees due to dry skin (dry skin being one of the many fun skin irritations he has).

Me: “I hope our baby gets my skin.”

Andy: “Me too.”

Me: “And I hope she gets my eyebrows.”

Andy: (laughing) “I hope she gets your nose.”

Me: “Me too!”

And then it hit me.

Me: “Oh my god. Your laugh.”

Andy chuckles (quietly, at least for him.)

Me: “Can you imagine a little girl having your laugh? That would be brutal.”

Andy laughs really, really loudly. (If you know him, you know what I mean.)

A few minutes pass by.

Me: “So really, what are you bringing to the table?”

Andy: (without hesitation) “Personality. I hope to god she gets my patience.”

Me: “Good point.”

The more I think about it, Andy is bringing a lot to the table. The most important trait obviously being his dimple. If our baby gets a dimple like his, she will literally be the cutest thing alive. Let’s just hope it ends up on her cheek where it belongs and not under her eye like my ridiculous misplaced dent.

Oh well, genetics will do as they please. The bastards.

Kayla’s Quirks: Succulent Bush – August 16th

I have an office with a total of zero windows and a million sterile cinder blocks for walls. For these reasons, I wanted to invest in some fake plants to make myself believe that I don’t in fact work in a musty, old closet.

Mission accomplished! I found two very interesting looking plants to add amongst the families of daddy longlegs who I share my office with.

One of the plants I picked is named “Succulent Bush.” I’m not even kidding. Andy and I had this conversation while shopping for plants.

Me: “I love this one. It’s so interesting looking. All the kids are going to want to touch it.”

Andy: “I bet you’re right.”

Me: “I’ll have to train them that the area is for adult’s only and tell them they aren’t allowed to touch my succulent bush.”

Andy: (laughing)

Me: “Wait, I probably shouldn’t say that at school.”

Andy: “You shouldn’t say that in public either.”

Here’s a picture of my succulent bush:

succulent bush

Made in China. Shocker!

Kayla’s Quirks: Farts – July 31st

My dog just farted and it made me think of this conversation from last week.

The scene is: Andy and I laying in bed, about to go to sleep. I adjusted my legs to reposition the blanket, and Andy proceeds to pull both the blanket and sheet off of me.

Me: “Why’d you do that?”

Andy: “It looked like you were assuming the position.”

Me: “What position?”

Andy: “I thought you were about to fart and I didn’t want you to dutch oven me.”

Me: “I wouldn’t do that.”

Andy: “You try all the time.”

Me: “Okay, well I heard a news story on the radio that smelling someone else’s farts can actually be good for your health. So I’m just looking out for you.”

Andy: (laughing)

Me: “Plus, you fart around me all the time.”

Andy: “Yeah but I don’t pull the blankets over your head after I do it.”

Me: “That doesn’t mean it’s not a dutch oven.”

Andy: “That’s exactly what it means.”

Me: (pause) “Regardless, I’m still smelling air from your ass.”

Andy: (laughing)

Me: “And your ass air stinks.”

Andy: “Fine. I’ll never fart around you again.”

Me: “You promise?”

Andy: (shakes his head)

Kayla’s Quirks: Balls – July 28th

While watching the Today Show this morning, I was filling Andy in about my weekend, during which he had been away.

Me: “I watched this Netflix movie and it had this married couple who had all kinds of sexual jokes between them and they liked to fool around with each other. Well, the wife made a Twitter account for her husband’s balls, and then they would write tweets from the perspective of his balls, like ‘It’s dark in here and Neil’s jeans stink,’ and ‘Neil won’t stop touching me.'”

Andy: (laughing)

Me: “So, what would you think if we started a Twitter for your balls?”

Andy: “No.”

Me: “Your balls are big and they deserve their own account.”

Andy: “I don’t even have a Twitter account!”

Me: “I know! But your balls could.”

Andy: (laughing) “No.”

Me: “What might be some things that your balls would say?”

Andy: “I’m afraid to tell you because you might actually do it.”

Me: “Would they say, ‘It’s so hot in here!?'”

Andy: (pause) “They might say things like, ‘I can’t ever get my own space,’ or things about being stuck to my leg.”

Me: (laughing) “Or things about bouncing all the time?”

Andy: “Yeah.”

Me: “What would they say about your penis?”

Andy: “They would call him a prick for getting out more than they do.”

Me: (laughing) “That’s a good one!”

Andy: “Or they would say they need a haircut.”

Me: “Or they could complain about working nonstop, because they’re always producing sperm.”

Later that morning…

Me: “I bet your balls have a lot to say.”

Andy: (laughing) “This Twitter thing can’t happen.”

Me: “Husband, I still have a month left of summer. It might happen.”

I’m an introvert & you’re an asshole

Not that I owe anybody an explanation, but I felt the need to put some things out there that I often find myself defending simply because I’m quiet. I am an introvert, meaning that my personality is one of quiet reflection, observation, and oneness.

Even though there are  millions of introverts living just fine out there in our world, I know we are misunderstood far more than our extroverted counterparts. I’ve been misunderstood more times than I can count on all my fingers and toes, and probably yours too if I borrowed them.

I’ve heard this so many times: “What’s wrong?” 

And this: “Are you okay?”

This: “Why are you being so quiet?”

And this delightful advice: “Stop being so antisocial!”

Well, if you must know, nothing is wrong with me, yes I’m okay, I’m quiet because I feel like being quiet, and I’m not antisocial, you asshole.

I’m writing about some misconceptions to clear the air about us misunderstood introverts. Maybe it’ll help you understand me a little better, or some other lovable introvert in your life.

1. You don’t like to talk. I do like to talk about stuff that matters with people who actually listen. Just because I’m not flappin’ my gums to everyone around me doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy meaningful conversations.

2. You’re shy. No. I’m not afraid of approaching people or talking with people (see above). I will speak up to anyone when I feel there is a need, trust me. A shy person wouldn’t have done a presentation on masturbation in college, or have called her boss out on his shit as a professional, both of which I’ve done and would do again.

3. You’re a snob. I was called this often growing up, so much so that I kinda started to believe it. Well, I’m not a snob. I just like people to be real and honest and I don’t find a lot of use in small talk. It’s boring and insincere.

4. You’re lonely. I’m independent and I don’t rely on someone else to make me happy. I think they call that being a grown up. Forgive me for maturing a little early and enjoying my alone time.

5. You always look so serious. What you may see as serious, I see as thoughtful. I’m in my head a lot, thinking about all kinds of things and reflecting on life, constantly.

6. You don’t smile very much. Okay, maybe not. But this doesn’t mean I’m not content or happy. I let my feelings show when I feel like it, mostly with people I love very much.

7. You don’t have a lot of friends. Nope. The thought of keeping up and keeping in contact with a whole bunch of people makes me exhausted. I like to keep a few friends who get me and who I can be myself with.

8. Your life must be so boring. If you compare my life to the life of a very extroverted person, then I guess you could say mine is boring. If you were inside my head though, trust me you would not think that. There’s a lot going on in there, folks.

9. You’re a target for bullies and people who take advantage. Maybe so, but I also possess the ability to put the fear of death into people when I do speak up, because I don’t very often, so when I do, they know I mean business.

10. You always want to be alone. Not true. I relish alone time and I do need it for self-care, especially since my job requires me to do a lot of social interaction. However, I very much enjoy the company of genuine people, in small doses of course. And I crave connections with human beings.

11. You’re a weirdo. Alright, I’ve been called worse. But let me explain something. I am thoughtful and reflective and I want to be genuine, always. I don’t follow the crowd or do something just because others are. I sometimes do things out of the norm, march to the beat of my own drum, so-to-speak, because I think for myself. This is part of what makes me so interesting.

12. You must disappoint people. This is totally true. When people place expectations on me to be outgoing, super friendly, or invite them into my life willy-nilly, they will be disappointed. I do not live up to other peoples’ expectations; I live up to my own (see above).

13. You’re bitchy. Sometimes used along with snob, but just as much untrue. I speak my mind when I have something important to say, even when others don’t want to hear it. I’m honest and if I’m saying something out loud, it’s because I’ve been thinking it for a long time and finally feel like sharing it. So listen up.

14. You’re closed off. Perhaps, but I’m also very open. You might be confused, but just ask a few of my closest friends or family members to understand what I’m saying. I keep my guard up with new people, yes, and if I don’t trust you, you’ll never get to know the real me, only what I allow you to know. If I share my deepest thoughts and feelings with you or feel comfortable enough to laugh and let loose with you, please know how much of a compliment that truly is.

15. You don’t like people. I like people a lot, in small doses. For example, being hostess to house guests can be a lot of fun, when I am prepared and feeling up to the task. Spring something like that on me, though, and be prepared for a meltdown (just ask my husband what happened when he “forgot” to tell me his dad was coming to stay one weekend). Also, I feel like I should mention that I do not like surprises, this includes parties or gatherings of any kind. I need to know what to expect. Throw me a surprise party and I will turn around and walk out, leaving you to explain to all the guests why you’re such an asshole.

16. You don’t know how to relax or have fun. Very much to the contrary. I know exactly what I need to relax and have fun. I don’t need a party, a bar, a lot of excitement or people. I like quiet. If there is too much noise or talking going on, I will shut down and retreat to my inner world. This is not about you; this is simply how my brain works.

17. You would rather take the “easy way out” and write to someone than talk to them. I am a writer and I do use my writing to express myself. I’m a much better writer than a speaker, that’s true. But, this is not an “easy way out.” Writing is work for me and I think very critically about every word I put out there.

18. You need to learn some social skills to be more extroverted. I have social skills. I am not some mute who doesn’t know how to interact with other human beings. I simply take my time to survey my environment and I think before I speak. The world just might be a better place if everyone did that. Think about it. Also, I don’t need fixing because I’m not broken.

I’ll wrap this up with these, because they are my truth:

Introverts1               Introverts2Introverts3

Kayla’s Quirks & The Texts

I say a lot of weird stuff. I can’t help it. It’s just the way my mind works. I’m quirky. Sometimes it gets me strange looks. Sometimes it makes people laugh. Other times it makes people not want to talk to me anymore. Either way, it makes things interesting.

I usually save my weirdest stuff for Andy, because he’s married to me so he has to listen (well maybe not listen, listen, but at least put up with it). I can always tell when I’ve said something ‘not normal’ or sexually inappropriate because I’ll get one of two reactions from him:

1. A very loud laugh while he throws his head back

or

2. A slow head shake, closed eyes, and a pat on my head along with a “Oh, wife…” (kind of like what you might do to your dog when they totally embarrass you in public).

Well, I’ve decided to share some of the weird and sexually laden shit I say with anyone who wants to read it. That’s what blogs are for, right?

I’m going to call these posts “Kayla’s Quirks” and publish them whenever I feel like it.

Here’s a sample:

Last night, Andy and I were talking about kissing and facial hair. Andy grows a goatee or beard every so often, and while I used to hate it, I’ve grown accustomed to the prickly feel. However, it effects our kissing. I do pull away sometimes because I HATE having a bastard hair poke my sensitive lip or shove itself up my nose. It’s friggin’ annoying!

So while laying in bed, we had this conversation…

Me: “Husband, we don’t make out that much anymore.”

Andy: “I know. You always pull away from me.”

Me: “That’s because I don’t like being poked by your prickly hairs.”

Andy: “I’ve been thinking about shaving it down. Does my beard prevent you from kissing me?”

Me: “No, not really. I still like kissing you, but….(pause)….your beard hair is a roadblock to make out town.”

After laughing for about 30 seconds, Andy told me I should post that quote on my blog.

Then we made out.


 

The other thing I want to do on my blog is start something called “The Texts.”  These posts will be random text conversations I’ve had, mostly between Andy and I. The reason for sharing these is because texting is ridiculous and I love it – it’s so easy to put the wrong word or misinterpret what someone meant, which leads to all kinds of awesomeness. I also say weird stuff in my texts, so stay tuned. (I should say that I got this idea from Brittany, Herself – she has a section on her blog called “The Emails” and it’s awesome.)

Here’s a sample. Let’s call it: Body parts – July 23rd

Me: Husband, what are your top 5 favorite parts of my body?

Andy: Your butt your brain your va-jay-jay your stomach your shape and your boobs

Me: Umm….that’s 6. But thank you for answering honestly.

Andy: Ur welcome

Me: I like how you put my butt before my brain.

Andy: Lol they r a tie

Me: Okay, now you’re just lying. My brain can’t sway and twerk like my butt can.

Andy: Lol no it can’t butt it’s just as sexy

Me: Please tell me you meant to write but as butt.

Andy: Yes I did that was part of the fun

Me: And that’s why I love you.

Andy: I’m glad.