I’ve been alive for 29 years

It’s my birthday today which means I get to do what I want. So while my husband runs to the grocery store to pick up a small birthday cake, I’m blogging.

As my birthday approached this year, I thought about the number. Twenty-nine. There’s nothing too special about it, except that it’s a year closer to the “big 3-0.” For some people, launching into the next decade is scary – thirties, forties, fifties, and so on.

Not for me. For some reason, I can’t wait to be older. Maybe it’s because I’ve always felt older than I am chronologically. Not in the my-body-is-decrepit sort of way. The whole “old soul” thing. That’s me. My age is trying to catch up with my soul.

But I will say that my 29th year is bringing with it some questions, big and small.

The smaller ones being things like:

Will I really get back into yoga and stick with it? (Maybe it’s an excuse to buy more yoga pants and wear them every. single. day.)

Will I let my hair grow long and not cut it off? (I hope so.)

Will I find a way to shave my legs so that they stay smooth for longer than a day? (Not likely.)

And then the bigger ones which I don’t have easy answers to:

Will I be able to find a “just right” job again?

Will I ever again feel comfort and confidence in my career?

Am I old enough yet for this meme to apply?

getting old

And then this one:

Will 29 be the year that I become a mom?

(Pause for a moment of silence.)

Well, on that note, my old soul is about to enjoy some birthday cake.



Ready or not, here comes change

This has been a weird week. So many things have happened that I feel like I’m being pulled along with a giant knotted rope, and I’m skidding by all kinds of life changes, just trying to hang on and not fall flat on my face.

There were the little things. Like finally donating some old and “I never wear this” clothing to make room in my closet. And having to use a new brand of all-purpose cleaner (when I find one I like, I’m sad when it’s over). And experiencing the embarrassing split-in-your-pants sound when you kneel down (luckily, this happened at home, but it was my favorite pair of jeans and I’ve had them, for like, ever).

There were also the big things.

Like deciding, after a lot of pros and cons list making, and crying, to accept a new job. I’m still uncertain and scared, because, whoa, it’s a huge change.

And, for the first time in the year that we’ve been trying, thinking that I may actually be pregnant. That my husband and I may actually not have anything wrong with us and we might actually get what we want. And then, after the excitement of a positive pregnancy test, the plunge downward when we found out it was a lie. It was like a slap in the face, a titty twister, and a gut punch all at the same time.

And then, perhaps the biggest change of all, my sister welcomed her first baby into the world, making me an auntie. Knowing that it was coming soon doesn’t take away the excitement and surprise of hearing the news that he was born, healthy and happy, ready to change my entire family’s lives, forever. And most importantly, changing my relationship with my sister because she’s not just my sister anymore; she’s a mother to the most amazing little boy, my nephew.

I slept for almost twelve hours last night. All the changes caught up with me. This week has been a roller coaster of some low lows and very high highs.

But here’s the thing. Change is scary, yes. But it’s also inevitable. It happens whether you want it to or not. Some changes happen to you and others happen because of you. This week has had a little of each, and it has forced me into letting go of the things I cannot change, which is perhaps the hardest of all.

Ready or not, here comes change. Make way.

10 tiny tidbits to myself 10 years ago

I’m taking part in responding to prompts to fuel my writing. Since I turned 28 this year, I found the “Letter to yourself 10 years ago” the most intriguing, since 10 years ago, I was barely 18. And although I’m still considered “just a babe” at 28, a lot has changed for me in the last 10 years.

Thank freaking goodness!!

Well, here are 10 tiny tidbits of advice for myself at 18. If some of them don’t make sense to you, that’s because this is written for me.

Lettertomyself10yearsagoimage1. High school is over and college will be different. You’ve been ready for this since about your sophomore year. Don’t let anyone hold you back.

2. You should probably never have your hair done in tiny cornrows ever again. That was a one time mistake that should stay in that sketchy dark alley of the Bahamas.

3. When you wear a dress, keep your legs together. Flashing a packed auditorium once is enough for a lifetime.

4. Your college roommate, while annoying as all get out, is just trying to find her place here too. Be kind. And invest in ear plugs, because there are some songs that will be forever ruined.

5. That sleazeball who only lasted one semester and never learned what the word no means? Elbow him in the balls even harder. You’ll be doing every other girl on earth a favor.

6. The guy with the dimple and the loud laugh who covered other peoples’ cars in mud is not really a fucking asshole. He’s one of the good guys. Give him a chance.

7. Grad school is the right step after college, even if it feels scary. It will give you the distance you need to separate from the things and the people you’ve outgrown.

8. Halloween is a great day to get married. And to celebrate anniversaries. Say yes.

9. Marriage is really, really hard. When you’re mad, put on your big girl pants and talk about it. It will work out.

10. Others with whom you were once very close will take different paths in life than you. Let it happen. You know what you want and what you need. Don’t ever feel guilty for choosing happiness.

Well, there’s my list. My 28-year-old self is very happy with it and I think my 18-year-old self would have been too (although, my 18-year-old self was pretty stubborn, so I’m not sure she would have listened).

What advice would you give to yourself 10 years ago?